Goodbye ED

 

To a place I called home for 9 1/2 weeks... where I finally learned the detrimental effects of my eating disorder. CH saved my life, gave me some of my best friends and showed me who was truly in my corner all along, and finally showed me what a life without ED could look like. 

My time at CH was difficult, one could say, especially if you've ever been through any type of mental health treatment. Day after day was hours of excruciatingly painful work. But then came the days that no longer felt like I wouldn't make it through another day. I was lucky to be surrounded by incredible people that pushed me and showed me my true potential, that I do have a purpose. 

My faith guided me through this difficult circumstance, and I truly believe with my whole heart that I wouldn't be where I am today without the guidance of Him every step of the way. He had a plan, a reason, and when I finally trusted him fully, I started to find healing, strength. God put it on my heart to share my story. So today I am starting with a sliver of vulnerability. Below you will find a letter that I wrote to my eating disorder in a moment of strength I found at treatment. It's a letter, that now serves as a reminder to me that I have it in me to live a life without ED. And if you are struggling with an eating disorder or any mental health problems, so can you. 

So, here goes nothing...

Dear ED,

I am writing to let you know that I have had enough. You have kept me trapped and isolated long enough. You have caused damage that will take a lifetime of work to get through. You have stolen enough joy from me. I want my life back from you. You've starved me until I lost not only weight but myself too. You made me feel like I was never enough, and for that, I will never forgive you. You manipulated me into thinking that the only way people would love me, is if I was skinny. You make me think that I had to earn my food, which is just so cruel. You made me hate seeing myself in the mirror and teased me that I was still not skinny enough for you. You made me begin to think that food was optional and the enemy. When it was you all along that was the true enemy. You made me dread the moment the sun rose each day and put ideas into my head that would drive anyone to the point of insanity. You made me dread the things I actually love the most. You made me wish that I was dead. You blinded me from the beauties of life and nature. You consumed my brain with nothing but harmful lies and endless worry. 

But I have met a new friend. She lives in my mirror, and I am getting to know her better every day. She is new, but I am enjoying getting to know her more and more each day. She reminds me of my worth and that I am deserving of food. She accepts me for who I am and reminds me that I am so much more than what I look like. She is all the things that you are not, and I am so excited for our relationship to flourish. I am grateful that I can spend the rest of my life with her.

Goodbye ED. You most definitely will not be missed.

This letter is a testimony to my strength. And if I can do it, I truly believe that you can too. Life is hard and will continue to throw challenges in our paths. But our paths don't have to stop at the hard. And I hope by reading this post, you begin to realize it too. 

I will leave you with this quote from my favorite yoga therapist:

    "Your worst day in recovery is better than your best day in your eating disorder."

Know that it is okay to need help. Please don't be afraid to ask for it.