Skip to main content

Here's The Truth: Recovery Is Hard

 


Here's the truth: Recovery is really hard. Hard doesn't even begin to describe the effort it requires to intentionally choose recovery each and every day. It's the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. The idea of recovery can also be contradictory, especially in the beginning. It's like you want freedom and peace so bad, but sometimes you believe the easier option is the eating disorder, the old habits. However, the easy option is never going to give you the life that you desire. It's never going to help you find peace. It's never going to allow you to spread your wings and fly. 

I wrote this poem on recovery contradiction and decided now would be a good time to share because right now that is the headspace I am currently stuck in. Wanting to recover, but knowing the easy option is to just go back to my old habits. Each morning, I have to wake up and intentionally choose recovery. Because I know what life would be like back in the depths of hell of my eating disorder. Because there is no other way to describe it, it would be hell to put my body through that again. 

So again, here is me being vulnerable and sharing what's on my heart.

DANGEROUS GAME

I'm playing
A dangerous game
One the involves
Wanting and running from
The same thing

My undirected mind
Is running toward the chaos
While my heart
Desperately is searching for
Peace and recovery

Every road I take
Has the same two options
Pick the wrong one
And end up dying
Pick the right one
And spend your life
Fighting
As hard as you can
To stay breathing and fine

Which one will you take
It better be
The one where
Everything turns out
Alright.

You can run or you can fight. And I am choosing to fight. There is no going back. No battle is too big for God. And I thank him every day for the strength he has given me to fight this battle.

I hope those who are reading this, know that you are never alone. You have what it takes to fight. No matter the battle, you are strong enough. Please keep going. The world needs you. You are so loved.

I am learning, growing, and recovering more and more every day. I am learning how to spread my wings. Choose the hard thing, it'll be worth it in the end. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Goodbye ED

  To a place I called home for 9 1/2 weeks... where I finally learned the detrimental effects of my eating disorder. CH saved my life, gave me some of my best friends and showed me who was truly in my corner all along, and finally showed me what a life without ED could look like.  My time at CH was difficult, one could say, especially if you've ever been through any type of mental health treatment. Day after day was hours of excruciatingly painful work. But then came the days that no longer felt like I wouldn't make it through another day. I was lucky to be surrounded by incredible people that pushed me and showed me my true potential, that I do have a purpose.  My faith guided me through this difficult circumstance, and I truly believe with my whole heart that I wouldn't be where I am today without the guidance of Him every step of the way. He had a plan, a reason, and when I finally trusted him fully, I started to find healing, strength. God put it on my heart to share ...
Post a Comment
Read more

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

                                                                                                                                                                                                       artwork completed by : channing smith A week that just means more to me, to millions of people across the world that unite in their struggles.  National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is just a small wi...
Post a Comment
Read more

A Year of Reflection

      "Year's end in neither an end nor beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us."          Hal Borland A year of pain and disappointment also meant a year for learning, change, and growth. A year that started with confusion and a downward spiral, finished with ever-growing optimism and an understanding of what peace could look like. This year, while definitely not what I hoped for, ended up being exactly what I needed. This year provided the opportunity for me to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of my whole self. It brought me people and connections that ultimately helped me realize that I am never truly alone. This year gave me a chance to see how strong I truly am. And even in the hardest moments and on the darkest days, this year constantly reminded me of the goodness, love, and peace of Jesus. In February, while leaving from a weekend in Lynchburg, Virginia, I was given a card ...
Post a Comment
Read more